It's really been a year already. A year since I packed up my life in Chiang Mai and flew into Springfield. A year since I met Lena Grace for the first time. A year since I first took Graham Henry to the park. A year since I began to build a new life. This new life seems to be stuck in the blueprint stage. And God continually reminds me of when I told Him (9 years ago now) that I want to live a life of faith. And He gently points out that I will most likely not know what that means even as I'm experiencing it, but to live a life of faith is to believe that He is sovereign, good, and loving all at once.
It's been nearly a year since I first went to Emmaus and Kent's House Church. My wonderful friends had an anniversary party for me last night, making me feel truly special when I am ever aware that there's nothing about me, in my life, that makes me special by the standards of this culture, this world. When I met someone at church last Sunday, she asked me what I do and my immediate response was, "Nothing. My existence is pretty much useless." and I'm afraid I believe that about 80% of the time. I keep finding my notes from the girls' Bible study I helped lead in Chiang Mai. I know one of the things that I hoped to impress upon them the most was that of finding their identities in Christ. I now need to hear my own teaching. It's kinda sad. But we're all constantly growing and changing. and hopefully becoming better. Though lately I feel like I'm regressing. But feelings cannot always be trusted.
Laying all insecurities aside, I am thankful. blessed beyond measure, found by His grace. I know things aren't always as they seem and I am really thankful for that. I love that. and I love that God is near. even when I feel like He's not.
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